


Missing Moments (March-April 2019)

by our_time_is_now



Series: Davenzi Plays [1]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 09:01:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25468189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/our_time_is_now/pseuds/our_time_is_now
Summary: Davenzi-Roleplay Part 1 - The beginning of our adventure... we start with missing moments from season 3!
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David Schreibner
Series: Davenzi Plays [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844773
Kudos: 14





	1. March 27, 2019 – Can I join?

**Author's Note:**

> This is the english translation of the roleplays by Katrin and Pauline ([ riddikulus](https://riddikulus.tumblr.com/) and [ shakshuka-grandpasweaters ](https://shakshuka-grandpasweaters.tumblr.com/) on tumblr)  
> You can also find us on tumblr: [ our-time-is-now ](https://our-time-is-now.tumblr.com/)  
> If you have any questions: just ask!

**Wednesday, 02:35 pm**

Whatsapp, David/Laura:

David:  
Hey Sis! Would it be okay if we postpone the movie night on Friday?

Laura:  
:-( :-( :-( Why?

David:  
I got invited to a party.

Laura:  
Wow! And you want to go?!?

David:  
Yes...

Laura:  
To a party? With humans...

David:  
Laura...:-P

David:  
Yes!

Laura:  
Where is the party ?

David:  
At Matteo's

Laura:  
Sandwich-beanie-Matteo?

David:  
Don't call him that...

Laura:  
Did you get your beanie back?

David:  
Yes, he gave it back to me today.

Laura:  
And invited you to the party...

David:  
Exactly

Laura:  
And apart from that?

David:  
What apart from that? Will this be an interrogation?

Laura:  
Maybe...

David:  
Nothing apart from that! He gave me back my beanie, told me that his roommates complained about how we left the kitchen and he invited me to the party. Nothing more!

David:  
So, do we postpone the movie night?

Laura:  
If you will pay the popcorn next time as a consolation... why not?

David:  
Deal!

Laura:  
And how will I spend my Friday evening?

David:  
Read something? Meet some friends? Go to a party?

Laura:  
To Matteo's party?

David:  
No!!!

Laura:  
Come on... I would really like to meet him!

David:  
I hardly know him myself...

Laura:  
You talk about him quite often.

David:  
Often?! I mentioned him like three times at most.

Laura:  
Right! Three times more than other people of your year!

Laura:  
By the way it was more than three times!

Laura:  
Come on! I want to see the kitchen that you two messed up!

Laura:  
I want to meet Matteo!

David:  
I don't know Laura... I can't just take someone with me...

Laura:  
And this shows that you rarely go to parties! Of course you can! That's totally okay at partys! I could have your back and tell you some things about parties!

Laura:  
I could act like I'm your girlfriend and we could make Matteo jealous. *g*

David:  
I don't want to make Matteo jealous.

Laura:  
But you like him

David:  
He has a girlfriend!

Laura:  
But you like him.

David:  
I barely know him.

Laura:  
But you like him!

David:  
Can you write something else?

Laura:  
Can I join you?

David:  
I don't mind...

Laura:  
Yeah!

David:  
But don't do anything embarrassing!

Laura:  
I would never!

David:  
And don't talk to him!

Laura:  
Am I not even allowed to say hello? That wouldn't be very nice!

David:  
Hello is alright but nothing like: “David told me so much about you” or something like that.

Laura:  
Don't worry! I will behave!

David:  
Okay.

Laura:  
Are you at home already?

David:  
I'm on my way.

Laura:  
Can you do some grocery shopping? Then I can start cooking as soon as I'm at home.

David:  
Sure. Will you send me the list?

Laura:  
Yes. See you later!

David:  
See you later!


	2. April 4, 2019 – Cocoa talk with Laura

**Friday, 09:30 pm**

David:  
*is standing in the living room with palpitations and listens to Laura interrupting Matteo, apologising to him and closing the front-door*  
*would have never thought that Matteo would come to his home, to talk to him after his message*  
*is thinking about how Matteo deserves a conversation and that it was cowardly to send him a message and to ask if he could give him some time but he doesn't know how to explain what is going on – he doesn't understand it himself*  
*has undertaken to not tell anybody that he is transgender – and didn't want anybody to get so close to him that he has a reason to explain it*  
*is scared and panics that Matteo would reject him if he knew, that he would tell everybody and so everybody would know and it would all begin again*  
*doesn't want that to happen and thinks that it would be the best to end everything before it can really start so it can't escalate*  
*grabs his phone and writes without thinking about it: “Just leave me alone. I don't want anything from you!”*  
*presses send without thinking about it and takes a deep breath*  
*hears how the door closes downstairs and walks to the window*  
*sees Matteo on the street, grabbing his phone, reading the message and throwing his phone onto the pavement*  
*feels how his heart contracts*  
*didn't want to hurt him and actually knows that it's selfish not to talk to him face to face, not explaining the situation – but the need to protect himself is bigger*  
*feels how Laura stands next to him and is thankful that she doesn't say anything*  
*watches how Matteo picks up his phone and keeps standing there for a time until he slowly goes away*

Laura:  
*stands next to her brother and looks down at him*  
*can imagine that David wrote another message when she sees the phone his shaky hand*  
*puts her arm around his shoulders*  
David...  
*she says gently, hesitantly*  
… is this a cocoa talk or a beer talk?

David:  
*forgot that Laura stands next to him for a moment and gets back to reality when she talks to him and puts her arm around his shoulders*  
*slowly turns away from the window and grabs her hand on his shoulder*  
*presses it softly and takes a deep breath*  
*almost smiles bitterly when she asks*  
*runs a helpless hand through his hair and finally says*  
Cocoa...  
*turns away from the window completely, goes into the kitchen like in a trance, switches on the small lamp on the countertop and drops onto a kitchen chair*  
*stares at his phone that lies on the tabletop and asks himself if he hasn't just made a huge mistake*

Laura:  
*nods and leaves him alone while she makes cocoa for both of them*  
*thinks that it's quite good if he puts his thoughts in order*  
*knows that he likes Matteo but somehow didn't think that it would take him like that*  
*tough that it was a flirt and that David only took off a little late*  
*but now that her brother is sitting there like a picture of misery, she isn't quite sure if this was the last time that she saw Matteo*  
*but now it's her brother's turn*  
*she puts the cups on the table and sits opposite him*  
*she tilts her head and smiles softly*  
So?  
*she asks quietly and gives him the opportunity to tell her what he wants*  
*she can still ask questions later*

David:  
*takes the cup from Laura and smiles a bit tired*  
Thanks...  
*pushes his phone to the side and warms his hands on the cup*  
*doesn't know where he should start but knows from experience that when talking to Laura it doesn't matter since at the end of the conversation everything will automatically come to together in the right order anyway*  
*just starts somewhere and says quietly*  
We had a date yesterday...  
*feels a lump in his throat, as he thinks about how much fun they had yesterday and how he felt really comfortable, then clears his throat so the lump goes away*  
...and at the end he told me that he broke up with his girlfriend.

Laura:  
*looks at him attentively*  
*lets him talk*  
*can't help but smile in the end*  
He broke up with his girlfriend? What a wretch!  
*looks at him understandingly again and nods*  
That means it suddenly got serious, right? It suddenly got real?  
*sees David nodding and nods too*  
And that's why you turned him down?

David:  
*looks at Laura, like he is outraged and insulted when she laughs*  
*buries the face in his hands and groans*  
That's not funny...  
*sighs at her conclusion*  
*didn't think that Matteo would break up with Sara*  
*thought that he could adore him for a little and for Matteo the whole thing might just be some playing around... or something to try out*  
*would've never thought that Matteo would break up his his girlfriend because of him and doesn't even want to allow the thought that he might really mean something to Matteo*  
*shakes his head at Lauras next question*  
Not right away... I texted him that it was going to fast for me and that I need some time...  
*shrugs and looks at Laura helplessly*  
… and not even 10 minutes later he stands in front of the door...  
*smiles sadly*  
Thanks by the way for getting rid of him...  
*could only whisper earlier that he was not there if it was Matteo and is really grateful that she jumped in for him without hesitation*

Laura:  
*nods*  
I know, I'm sorry...  
*nods again*  
Sure, no problem... you didn't think that he would come, right?  
*takes a sip of her cocoa and sighs*  
Your shoes were in front of the door so I guess that he knows now.  
*sees David slump more if that's even possible*  
Is that really what you want David? Get rid of him?

David:  
*shakes his head at Lauras question*  
*may have expected that he would ask via Whatsapp but not that Matteo would appear in front of the door*  
*hears the stuff with his shoes and Laura's comment on that*  
*briefly presses his lips together and then admits softly and with a slightly trembling voice*  
If not through the shoes then because of my message...  
*takes a deep breath and explains quietly*  
I just texted him that I don't want anything from him and that he should leave me alone...  
*has the feeling that he does everything wrong but doesn't know what to do without hurting himself*  
*grabs his cocoa at Laura's last question and takes a sip*  
*thinks about it*  
*just shrugs at some point*  
*takes another sip and then has their date in mind... the first kiss... and the half-kiss... their weekend in bed... Matteo's closeness, his laughter and his blue eyes... the feeling he could be himself*  
*closes his eyes when he realises that they get watery, puts the cup on the table and briefly presses his lips together before he answers Laura's question*  
No, it's not what I want. But what should I have done? It's a bit late for an outing, isn't it? I mean... he broke up with his girlfriend... he expects something from me... which I most likely cannot fulfill.  
He'll probably think I was just kidding him all the time...  
*shakes his head again*  
And I don't want to tell him! Nobody at the new school should know! And if it somehow makes the round, should I start all over again?

Laura:  
*nods and sighs when she hears about the second message*  
Oh, David...  
*looks at him and sees how something changes, his eyes get watery but he also relaxes*  
*just wants to say that he was hit pretty hard but doesn't get there because he speaks again*  
*presses her lips together*  
Hey...*she say softly and grabs his arm*  
Hey... it's your decision, you know? Of course you don't need to tell him, you don't need to tell anyone if you don't want to.  
*slowly pulls her hand back*  
But you know... sometimes... sometimes people surprise us.  
*sighs and quickly adds*  
That doesn't mean you made the wrong decision... I don't even know him... but... I hate to see that this hurts you so much and I don't want you to think that you can never trust anybody again.

David:  
*lets her words sink in and thinks about it*  
*says softly after some time*  
I don't even know myself if I made the wrong or right decision*  
*takes another sip and remains silent shortly before he continues hesitantly*  
I think it would be different if I was already through school...  
*also thinks the idea of never being able to trust someone is horrible and thinks that Matteo would have had some kind of potential to be trusted ... if it weren't for the school and his fear that it would go around there if Matteo can't handle it*  
*shrugs a little*  
Maybe I would've told him if I already had my Abi and wouldn’t need to go to school anymore... so I don't need to see anyone if Matteo...  
*doesn't like to think about the “if” in relation to Matteo because it hurts him in some way*  
*suddenly feels really tired, crosses his arms on the table and rests his head on them*

Laura:  
*nods slowly*  
Yeah, stupid school, but it's not long anymore, only a few weeks.  
*sighs quietly and takes a sip of the cocoa*  
If Matteo turns out to be an asshole?  
*extends her hand again and ruffles his hair*  
Hey... hey... it will be fine... The main thing is that you feel safe, okay?  
*hesitates slightly but then says*  
I have a feeling that everything will come together, okay? It will be fine...

David:  
*nods hesitantly at her words*  
*doesn't want to think about Matteo turning out to be an asshole, but is also not quite sure how well he knows Matteo*  
*closes his eyes when Laura ruffles his hair and mumbles*  
Okay...  
*actually feels a little safer right now but still alone and sad*  
then straightens up and look at Laura*  
*tries to smile and shrugs*  
We will see...  
*drinks his cocoa and grabs his phone*  
*opens Whatsapp and sees that Matteo read his message and hasn't been online since*  
*asks himself whether his phone survived the bang on the pavement*  
*looks at Laura again and stands up*  
Thanks for... everything...  
*gives her a kiss on the forehead before he leaves the kitchen*  
*wants to be alone for now and not see anyone*


	3. April 18, 2019 - Please wait

**Thursday 1:24 p.m**

David:  
*stands in a very long line at the train station, because the ticket machine is broken and he promised Laura to get tickets, because they want to visit relatives over Easter*  
*is annoyed that the battery of his mp3 player is empty and he can't even kill the waiting time with music*  
*is lost in his thoughts and doesn't even notice what's happening in front or behind him*  
*hears a voice at some point: "Hey, dude, you really owe us for standing in line here with you... how can you be so retarded and lose your monthly ticket?!"*  
*isn't really listening to what the group of guys somewhere behind him is discussing, just thinking that probably no one in line really want to wait in line forever*  
*pricks up his ears as he suddenly hears: "Hey, Jonas, have you heard anything from Luigi again?"*  
*feels his heart jump at the mention of "Luigi" and briefly turns nervously and quietly to take a look at those waiting*  
*recognizes Matteo's three friends and quickly turns away*  
*does not want them to recognize him, but now listens intently to their conversation*  
Jonas: Nah... since he threw us out on Monday, nothing...  
Carlos: Hey, Digga, that was not cool! I've never seen him like that before!  
Jonas: Me neither.  
Abdi: There must be something going on... maybe because of Sara...  
Carlos: No, I don't think so... the vibes didn't fit! It's good that they have separated!  
Abdi: But still he is acting like he was left by the love of his life... Man, I'm really sorry for him... even if he was so extreme to us.  
Jonas: I don't think it's because of Sara... there is something else... and if there was something with his mother, he would have just told us.  
Carlos: Yeah, and to blame us, we would only think about tits...  
Abdi *laughs*: Yeah, no, of course... we don't…  
Carlos: No, we really don’t  
*listens to some adolescent goofing around for a while before it gets interesting again*  
Abdi: But let's get back to Luigi... what are we going to do now? He is totally locked up in his room... I think he feels like shit!  
Carlos: He should also have a wellness day like me and Kiki the other day... really, it was so relaxing...   
Abdi: Hey Digga, stop it with your wellness... as if you could get Matteo to have a wellness day…  
Jonas: I don't know guys... I don't want to be thrown out again...  
Abdi: But what if he doesn't contact us anymore… what if he will hurt himself or something...   
Carlos: Digga, he won't hurt himself... he is too lazy for that... no, he will be fine. Bad weeds grow tall. One day he comes up to us, apologizes and buys a crate of beer...  
Jonas: I tried to text him again. The messages do not arrive. And when you call, only the mailbox answers... maybe his cell phone is fucked up... or he turned it off or something  
*remembers how Matteo clunked the cell phone on the floor on Friday*  
*wouldn't be surprised if the cell phone didn't survive that*  
Carlos: Chill out, guys and listen to me: He'll get back to you! Let's wait until Easter and if we don't hear anything afterwards, we'll just stand on his doormat with a crate of beer!  
Abdi: Okay... but hey Jonas, you let me know if you hear anything from him, right?  
Jonas: Sure, I will. But at the moment I don't expect it...  
*discovers that the boys change the subject and switches off, because his head starts to rush somehow*  
*wouldn't have thought that Matteo is so affected by the fact that, that he broke off the contact to him* *wonders if maybe there was something else going on that was upsetting Matteo, and somehow can't get over the fact that he might be the reason he's feeling so bad*  
*is very worried and would like to go over to Matteo right now and tell him, that it's not because of him - that he is the problem after all, and that in other circumstances he would be with him immediately and not leave him alone*  
*remembers their conversation in which Matteo admitted how bad he feels about being alone and only feels worse that he just dumped him without explanation*  
*has the feeling, that he can hardly think clearly anymore and feels his thoughts circling*  
*just before it's his turn he has an idea and wants to go home as soon as possible to put it into action*  
*luckily he doesn't have to wait much longer to buy the tickets for himself and Laura*  
*makes his way home as soon as possible*  
  
  
2 hours later:  
*stands with the envelope with the drawing in his hand and palpitations in his chest a few meters away from Matteo's house and realizes that he only thought up to this point, but no further*  
*hasn't the slightest idea how to get into the house*  
*can't just ring the bell and then throw the envelope in, after everything*  
*attempts to stay hidden behind a tree while he thinks and feels like a criminal, who doesn't want to be caught*  
*looks around in a slight panic every few seconds, fearing that Matteo will show up somewhere or look out of the window*  
*finally has the hope that the front door is perhaps only leaning against the wall and approaches the house*  
*presses against the door and mumbles "Fuck!" when he notices that it is locked*  
*looking for help at the doorbells and finally, without thinking, presses the bell on the bottom*  
*hears the buzzer after a few seconds and presses the door open*  
*stands opposite an elderly lady at the lower apartment and stammers* Um... hello, sorry to bother you, but I have a letter for the flatshare upstairs and nobody's answering... may I please?  
*points to the mailboxes*  
*the lady looks and waves: "Go ahead, my boy! But close the door properly, okay? Sometimes it doesn't close properly and you don't want strangers to stay in the hallway... "*  
*nods* I will! Thank you very much!  
*sees her nod once more and then close her door*  
*searches for the flatshare’s mailbox and breathes deeply once more before he throws the envelope into the right box*  
*looks longingly in the direction of the stairs and painfully realizes that he is somehow quite close to Matteo*  
*hopes that his drawing can cheer him up at least a little*  
*flinches violently when a door is opened upstairs and falls back into the lock with a loud bang*   
*flees quickly*


	4. April 23, 2019 - Happy Easter

**Sunday, 4:25 pm**

David:  
*spends the Easter holidays with Laura at their cousins place in the countryside at the baltic sea and enjoys the nice weather while being outside as much as possible*  
*thinks of Matteo all the time so he rarely takes part in the conversations between Laura and their cousin*  
*has seen on Good Friday that Matteo’s mobile seems to be working again since he posted a florenzifriday picture on Instagram, now he often refreshes Instagram or has their Whatsaapp conversation open being on the verge of texting him*  
*decides on Easter Saturday to like Matteo‘s picture on Instagram from Friday*  
*today on Easter Sunday he went for a walk with his sketchbook after a long Easter Breakfast, now he sits at the beach and doodles to himself while thinking of Matteo*  
*eventually having enough of the doodling, since it nothing comes from it anyway, he opens a new page in his sketchbook*  
*he thinks for a moment and then just starts drawing*  
*draws the beach and the ocean from his perspective as well as some shells and stones which lie directly in front of him, smiles briefly as he gets another idea*

*draws in the foreground his beanie filled with a bit of Easter grass inside, a table tennis racket which peeps out of the hat and two Easter eggs, of which one is a bit chipped*  
*writes in the sand next to the beanie the words “Happy Easter”*  
*looks at the drawing and finds something is missing – that the drawing doesn’t show how much he misses Matteo – and draws a crumpled note which is showing a little bit from under the beanie*  
*writes on it very pale, small and barely readable: “you’re missing” and sighs softly*  
*lays his sketchbook in the sand and takes a picture of it – a bit of sand is still visible in the background*  
*briefly thinks about posting the picture on Instagram, but lets it be and leaves the beach because it’s getting pretty cold*  
*after two rounds of Uno with Laura and their cousin he withdraws to the guest room which he shares with Laura and pulls out his phone again*  
*checks Instagram and opens his Whatsapp chat with Matteo*  
*doesn’t know what to write him and closes the chat again*  
*scrolls through his gallery and all the pictures he has taken today*  
*gets stuck at the picture of the drawing and looks at it for a while*  
*then he stops thinking for much longer and just sends it Matteo*  
*after sending the picture his heart is suddenly beating very fast as he stares at Matteo’s chat*  
*sees how the two check marks appear next to the picture which turn blue after just a few seconds*  
*sees Matteo in his mind how he is laying on his bed and looking at the drawing*  
*feels like he should have written some explanation to it but he is missing the words to explain everything without outing himself and therefore ruining everything that had been*  
*is longing for Matteo a lot in this moment and especially to have him close, that he would like to get up and drive to him immediately*  
*remembers then why that isn’t so easy and puts the cell phone aside in frustration*  
*hopes that Matteo is doing fine, that he will understands someday that it isn’t his fault and that the drawing won’t confuse or pull him down any more*


	5. April 23, 2019 (1) - How sad and beautiful

**Tuesday, 12:00 am:**

David:  
*returned with his sister from the baltic sea late Monday evening and was very quiet at dinner*  
*when Laura started talking about Matteo again he withdrew quickly to his room where he sat down at at his desk in frustration and looked out the window into the dark*  
*had to think about the date he had with Matteo, how brave, hopeful, honest and direct Matteo was - he knew exactly what he wanted and that was to be together with him - or at least with who Matteo thought he was: just a normal boy*  
*wonders for the hundredth time why he wasn’t as brave as Matteo in that moment and just told him the truth, because somehow Laura was right: they both couldn’t be more miserable than now*  
*thinks that that it’s now too late anyway to think about it and wonders if he might should have mentioned earlier that he is trans - but when? That’s nothing you can just mention in passing and he never was in a situation which is slightly comparable so he had no experience with it. In Lychen1 everybody saw him transition therefore an outing wasn’t necessary. Sure he needed to out himself to the principal and some teachers of his school but that was different. These people meant nothing to him compared to Matteo, he didn’t had that much to loose*  
*wonders if Matteo might have been right and there is some kind of fate which just decided that they couldn’t be together and things just had to be as they were*  
*wonders how it will be when they see each other at school eventually, if they might get closer again even if only as friends, and if time and fate - if there is such a thing as fate - might has something else in store for them*  
*laughs quietly at the thought that he is willing to accept fate as long as Matteo and him would get another chance*  
*sighs quietly and pulls out his sketchbook*  
*draws Matteo and him at their date, as they are sitting at the Spree*  
*remembers a quote he read not long ago and googles the exact wording*  
*writes in the water of the Spree: “I wonder if things can happen too early or too late or if everything happens at exactly the right time. If so, how sad and beautiful”*  
*adds in small the author (Simon van Booy) and thinks about adding the title of the book as well (The Secret Lives of People in Love) but decides against it when he thinks about sending Matteo the drawing*  
*hesitates because he might annoys or overwhelms Matteo with the pictures he is sending him*  
*gets ready for bed and thinks about it again in bed*  
*thinks that Matteo deserves more clarity than all these ambiguous drawings but he just isn’t willing to tell him the truth - the fear to cause even more damage and harm is too big*  
*pulls out a book when he realizes that he gets lost in his thoughts and begins to read to distract himself*  
*decides the next day at noon to send the picture to Matteo anyway*  
*forces himself to not stare at his phone forever but sees that the check marks turn blue immediately*  
*he takes a deep breath and pockets his phone*  
*grabs his jacket and scarf, leaves the apartment and gets on his bike*  
*needs some exercise and to exhaust himself, hoping to clear his head*

1 town near Fürstenberg/ Havel (around 100 km away from Berlin)


	6. April 23, 2019 (2) - Somehow, time really is an asshole

**Tuesday, 06:35 pm**

Matteo:  
*played some table tennis with the boys and fooled around and even had some fun*  
*said goodbye to Carlos half an hour ago, who wanted to meet Kiki*  
*just played the last round of rotation and also said goodbye to Abdi, because his mother needs his help for something*  
*looks at Jonas after Abdi cycled away*  
*somehow doesn't want to go home already and be alone with his thoughts and hopes that Jonas doesn't need to go yet*  
You wanna play another round?

Jonas:  
*has enjoyed the afternoon with the boys quite a bit and is happy that Matteo seems to be a bit better again*  
*is a bit proud that he came out to the boys and is glad that Abdi and Carlos took the fact that Matteo likes boys pretty well and made it easy for him*  
*after the other two said goodbye, he was about to ask if Matteo wanted to go to his place, when Matteo asked if he wanted to play another round*  
*smiles and nods*  
Sure, would love to!  
*grabs the ball that Abdi played somewhere into the bushes and hits the ball in order to start playing*  
*asks while they are playing*  
And after that a beer?

Matteo:  
*is glad that Jonas seems to have time*  
*plays back and forth with him relatively loosely*  
*smiles and nods*  
Sure...  
*he paddles the next ball and laughs*  
Now? But I don't have one... To the kiosk?

Jonas:  
*laughs when Matteo wants a beer immediately after his turnover*  
That was a short round...  
*grabs the ball and puts it in his pocket*  
Jo, kiosk!  
*sets off with Matteo and looks at him from the side*  
*at some point says cautiously*  
Worked out pretty well with the boys, didn't it? I mean coming out to the guys...  
*adds quickly*  
It's cool that you told them!

Matteo:  
*walks next to Jonas and coincidentally also thinks about the reaction from the boys*  
*laughs softly when Jonas talks about it and nods slightly*  
Yeah... Kiki seems to have done a good job preparing it...  
*shrugs a bit*  
Was about time... and to be honest, I don't feel like pretending to be interested in tits anymore...  
*smiles a bit and shrugs again*

Jonas:  
*laughs softly when Matteo mentions Kiki, and is quite happy that Matteo is taking it so well that the news seem to be spreading themself*  
*nods understandingly at his next words and walks the last meters to the kiosk quietly with him*  
*they then buy a beer for each of them and walk back to the table tennis tables where they don't sit down on the benches but on the tables and let their legs dangle*  
*has been thinking about his last conversation with Matteo in the last few days and realises that he actually still has a few questions about David*  
*but doesn't know if he can ask them*  
*opens his beer and holds the bottle out to Matteo to toast*  
*finally says hesitantly*  
I thought about our conversation on Friday again... about the stuff with David.  
*hesitates again and looks at Matteo but since he didn't get into a defensive posture or something like that, he asks him finally*  
What exactly happened between you two? I mean other than the fact that he just ran away the first time you hung out?

Matteo:  
*toasts with Jonas and takes a long sip of beer*  
*finds it very refreshing after all that strenuous exercise*  
*then listens to Jonas words and draws a little breath when David is mentioned*  
*presses his lips together at Jonas’ question and exhales audibly*  
Uhmm...so... I invited him to the neon party after that... but I didn't feel so well there, but he stayed anyway and cleaned up...  
*takes a deep breath and remembers the feeling when he saw him standing in the kitchen*  
*tries to put it into words, but shakes his head a little*  
We almost kissed but Alex and Mia barged in and then he went home very quickly....  
*just shrugs his shoulders a little bit because only now he realizes how difficult it actually is to get it all together somehow and to put it into words how everything developed*  
Afterwards it was kind of strange... he kind of avoided me... maybe everything was a bit much for him...  
*just shrugs his shoulders and then takes another sip*  
Well, and then Abdi's birthday happened...  
*only now realizes that he had told Jonas that he had left because of his mother and is therefore hesitating a little whether he should expose his false excuse*

Jonas:  
*listens to Matteo and takes a sip of beer every now and then*  
*looks a little surprised when Matteo tells him that David stayed to clean up after the neon party - he didn't even notice - and just as a side note that Matteo wasn't doing so well*  
*gets a guilty conscience about it for a minute and thinks that he should have taken care of Matteo, too*  
*humms when Matteo thinks that it might have been a bit much for David after that, even if he doesn't know exactly what it was*  
*wants to know more, but then Matteo continues and jumps to Abdi's party*  
*nods and remembers that Matteo was already gone when he got there*  
*looks at him from the side as he breaks off and feels him hesitating*  
*wonders why and suddenly has an idea*  
*says*  
Let me guess: There was nothing going on with your mother, you were with David?

Matteo:  
*should have known that Jonas would figure it out right away*  
*nods carefully*  
Yeah, sorry... I... I didn't know he was coming... Leonie brought him... and then I had a fight with Sara and we took off...  
*has to smile very briefly when he remembers how great it felt when they just took off together like that*  
... We went to some run-down building ... and there ... well, that's where we kissed ...  
*presses his lips together again, because for a moment he has the feeling he can feel it again, the feeling of his lips on his*  
*but then shakes his head and the feeling away*  
Then we went to my place and that's where we stayed for the weekend... and it was... just really good, you know?   
*takes a deep breath and has another sip of beer*  
I thought somehow that's it now... and then I broke up with Sara on Monday and... well, okay, I could have handled that more elegantly, but somehow I didn't care... and then we saw each other on Thursday.... and it was actually really good and funny again... and I told him that I broke up with Sara... but he was a little different... more quiet... and well...  
*shrugs his shoulders and closes his eyes for a moment*  
Then the day after that, he wrote me and said that everything was going too fast...  
*doesn't allow himself to think about it any further and continues quickly*  
I went to his place, because I wanted to know what was going on, but his sister told me to leave... and then he texted me that I should leave him alone and he's not interested in me like that.  
*shrugs his shoulders as if that's totally understandable*

Jonas:  
*listens to Matteo and side-eyes him every now and then*  
*is happy that Matteo is so open with him and smiles slightly when Matteo says they kissed and spent the weekend at his place*  
*nods at his question and hums approvingly*  
*can imagine that they probably continued kissing and cuddling and chatting without Matteo having to go into detail *  
*nods again when he mentions Sara, and even if he actually has to agree that he could have solved this more elegantly, he can understand that it didn't matter to him at that moment, because Matteo and Sara - if he thinks back now - had never really seemed to be happy and in love*  
*wonders why he didn't notice earlier that Matteo never really seemed to be in love, but somehow automatically assumed that Matteo is just not the type to show it so openly*  
*but when he hears him talking about David in contrast now, he thinks about what it would have been like if it had really worked out with David and him, and wonders if Matteo might just be the type of guy who tends to show it openly when he is really in love*  
*then refocuses on what Matteo reports from Thursday's meeting*  
*would actually like to say something, but is holding back to not interrupt Matteo in his flow of speech and continues to listen*  
*nods as he talks about the first message from David*  
*then, however, raises his eyebrows skeptically when he hears about the second one*  
Huh?  
*shakes his head uncomprehendingly *  
Wait a minute... first he writes that he needs time... okay... that could be... maybe he just realized that things could get serious between you guys when you told him that you broke up with Sara... okay... but then he writes that he's not even interested in you? How does that even fit together?

Matteo:  
*sighs a little and shrugs his shoulders*  
Dunno...  
*takes another sip of his beer*  
At first I thought I simply screwed up... or that I simply imagined things... and that I got to clingy... no idea  
*briefly looks over at Jonas*  
Anyways, that was the time when I was so extremely down... and when I yelled at you and everything...  
*takes another sip and looks at Jonas*  
But now he's been sending me drawings for a few days... and I.. I don't know... he wouldn't do that if he didn't care about me, would he?

Jonas:  
*takes another sip of beer when Matteo says that he might have been to clingy or that he imagined it or something like that and shakes his head*  
Yes, but then he simply could have told you...  
*shrugs it off when Matteo mentions his low and murmurs*  
Somehow understandable  
*takes another sip of beer and almost chokes at Matteo's next words*  
He does what!?  
*laughs quietly*  
Okay, that's pretty weird... what kind of drawings?

Matteo:  
*shrugs again when Jonas says he could have said it*  
Yeah, no idea... I think there might be something else...  
*shakes his head almost amusedly when Jonas chokes*  
Yes... the first one was in the mailbox...  
*pulls his phone out of his pocket and shows him a picture of the first drawing*  
This one arrived on Thursday...  
*swipes to the Easter-drawing*  
... this one on Easter... and this one...  
*swipes further*  
...arrived today...  
*bites his lip and looks at Jonas*  
I mean, I really have no clue... somehow he still doesn't talk to me...

Jonas:  
*shrugs his shoulders*  
What else might there be? Do you think he has a girlfriend... or boyfriend or something like that?  
*lets Matteo show him the drawings and reaches for Matteo's phone to look at them more closely*  
May I?  
*takes the phone from his hands when he nods and swipes back to the first drawing*  
*hums quietly and shakes his head again*  
*looks back at Matteo and laughs quietly*  
Awesome information...  
*can't really make much sense out of it and looks at the second one*  
*has to grin slightly because he does think the drawing is funny*  
*comments*  
Ah... the beanie...  
*thinks that the paddle might also be a reference but doesn't ask any further*  
*zooms in when he notices the note under the beanie and quirks his eyebrows*  
*looks at Matteo*  
You’re missing...?  
*doesn't really think that this sounds as if Matteo wouldn't mean anything to David*  
*swipes over to the third drawing and asks*  
Is this the two of you?  
*reads the text above the two figures and doesn't really understand it even on his second read*  
*comments*  
Quite depressing, isn't it?  
*shrugs his shoulders and looks back at Matteo*  
*somehow pities him a little and understands that he is confused*  
And that's it!? There was nothing else? No explanation or anything?  
*sees Matteo shake his head and briefly shakes his head as well*  
Well, to me it doesn't seem like he's not interested in you... "you’re missing..."  
*snorts quietly*  
Why would you be missed if you should leave him alone... I really don't get it...  
*gives Matteo back his phone*  
Did you react to them? To the drawings?

Matteo:  
*immediately shakes his head when Jonas asks if he has a boyfriend or a girlfriend*  
No... something else... no idea...  
*watches as Jonas takes a closer look at the drawings*  
*almost has to smile because he did the exact same thing*  
*zoomed in and studied every detail*  
*but also thinks that many of the things might not make much sense to Jonas, like the cheese-toast or the vampire or the paddles*  
*doesn't want to explain it right now*  
*finds the thought that this is something that is only between him and David is somehow consoling*  
*nods when Jonas asks if it is them*  
Yes, that was the meeting where I told him that I broke up with Sara... after that it was over... bad timing apparently...  
*doesn't know how else to interpret the comment*  
*shakes his head at his question*  
*laughs quietly and takes his phone back*  
I don't get it either...  
*puts the phone away and shakes his head*  
No... I... I don't know how... and... every time I tried anything in the past, he only backtracked further...  
*shrugs his shoulders and says a little helpless*  
I don't know...

Jonas:  
*shrugs when Matteo thinks the comment was bad timing on his part and reluctantly says*  
If you think that there is something else, something he doesn't tell you... maybe it wasn't bad timing on your part, after all... maybe he has to deal with something first... this would at least explain his first message, that he needs some more time...  
*confusedly runs his hand through his hair*  
Ey, in my opinion the second message doesn't really fit... the rest isn't really great of him either... the running away and backtracking and stuff, but the second message somehow doesn't fit the rest...  
*hums in agreement when Matteo says that so far, David has always backtracked when he tried anything and can somewhat understand that he hasn't reacted to the drawings so far*  
*on the other hand thinks that it was still pretty shitty of David - especially considering how much Matteo seems to suffer and how confused he is*  
*takes another sip of beer and says*  
I think it's really shitty of him! I mean, he has to think before he sends you something like this, that this will confuse you... he has to make a clear statement or stuff his drawings God knows where.  
*would love to tell Matteo to forget David and move on, that he deserves someone better, but doesn't really know what Matteo thinks of David right now*  
*slightly nudges him with his shoulder and carefully asks*  
Do you have any plan, Brudi? I mean, how do you feel about the whole thing? Do you tell yourself: what an asshole, I'll look for someone better, or...?  
*shrugs his shoulders and stops*

Matteo:  
*nods slowly when Jonas says he thinks that David has to deal with something*  
*was thinking the same thing and has been going around in circles trying to figure out what it might be*  
*continues listening to how he more or less trash talks David*  
*immediately has the urge to defend him, but doesn't know how, either*  
*only knows that right now Jonas is a great friend and completely on his side but might be too biased to give good advice*  
*slowly shakes his head when Jonas says that it is shitty of him*  
I think there is something that doesn't actually have anything to do with me... and obviously he doesn't want to tell me...  
*hears his question and almost has to laugh*  
Is this even possible? To just move on?  
*shakes his head*  
No, i don't know... I have no clue... time heals all wounds or something like that... we'll see...  
*shrugs one shoulder and looks at Jonas*  
Did that work for you? To look for "something better"?

Jonas:  
*listens to Matteo and tries to understand him*  
*finds it astonishing how calm Matteo manages to stay, that apparently he manages to not get mad at David's behavior but simply accepts it, but also thinks that it is something else to be in this situation yourself or to view it from the outside - and that Matteo knows David on a completely different level than he does*  
*has to grin at his question and murmurs*  
Sure, just flip a switch and move forward...  
*then shakes his head and sighs quietly*  
As if...  
*nods when he talks about that time and automatically has to think about the line from David's last drawing*  
*hears his next question and grins a little*  
At least I tried...  
*shrugs his shoulders and takes another sip*  
*murmurs*  
Somehow, time really is an asshole...  
*looks back at Matteo and says*  
Well, basically you only have three options: Either you wait for what else the asshole called time brings and probably get some more drawings without a clear explanation... or you demand an explanation and give him an ultimatum... or... you put an end to it, block him and try to somehow move on...  
*slightly pokes him in the ribs with his elbow*  
Hey, we're in Berlin... there are a ton of gay clubs... maybe we should pay them a visit together!  
*grins slightly*

Matteo:  
*nods slightly when Jonas says that he tried*  
*grins*  
Quite the asshole...  
*listens to him when he lists the options and thinks that none of them really sound good*  
*so simply shakes his head*  
*laughs silently when he mentions gay clubs and rolls his eyes slightly amused*  
No, don't bother...  
*tries to imagine meeting someone else, kissing someone else and isn't able to, only sees David's face in his mind*  
I...  
*swallows slightly and quietly says*  
I miss him... some other guys won't help with that...

Jonas:  
*sighs quietly when Matteo declines the gay club and doesn't really say anything to his other suggestions*  
*looks at him when he starts talking and presses his lips together when he finally finishes his sentence*  
*realizes only now how in love with David Matteo apparently was... or still is... and curses how badly it all went*  
*would really love for him to be lucky for once*  
*simply puts his arm around Matteo's shoulder to somehow console him and doesn't know what else to say*  
*only says quietly - somehow summarizing*  
So it is the asshole called time...  
*sighs and then laughs quietly while quoting David*  
How sad and beautiful...  
*has to laugh again and shakes his head because it sounds so cheesy and because he can't really understand what might be beautiful about this whole thing*

Matteo:  
*understands that Jonas doesn't really know what else to say*  
*thankfully leans against him*  
*nods slowly*  
Yes...  
*laughs silently when he quotes David and looks at him*  
Sad and beautiful... story of my life...  
*laughs a little and shrugs his shoulders*


	7. April 25, 2019 - Don’t deprive him of the opportunity to decide for himself

** Thursday, 8:34 pm **

David/ Laura:   
*sits in his room at his desk with his phone in his hand and stares at the two blue check marks which show him that Matteo saw the drawing he send him two days ago*  
*hadn’t expected an answer and basically doesn’t know what exactly he expected at all just knows that he misses Matteo incredibly and hopes that he is doing better*  
*puts his phone away and stares at this sketchbook or rather at the drawing he finished two hours ago and uploaded to instagram - if someone knew him, if someone knew his secret, one could interpret a lot into this drawing. But it could also just be a normal drawing without any meaning*  
*likes somehow that the interpretation is left open to the viewer*  
*turns some pages back and stares at the drawings of Matteo he has next to his story about the fox and some other everyday moments he captured: Matteo with closed eyes, relaxed, Matteo laughing, Matteo with his wild hair which fall into his face, Matteo slightly absent, Matteo smiling, Matteo and his hands (even though he hates drawing hands and isn’t really good at it, but the moment he held Matteo’s hand was just too important and big)*  
*barely notices that Laura enters his room and doesn’t look up when she puts a cup of cocoa on his desk, instead just mumbles a quiet “Thanks”*  
*knows that she looks over his shoulder but doesn’t has the energy to hide the pages*  
*eventually feels Laura’s hand on his shoulder and hears her quiet voice: “You are in love with him”*  
*no question just a statement and he knows that she is right. That's why he doesn’t contradict her but just sights quietly once*  
*she reaches over him and turns the page, he knows that she would stop immediately if he would stop her*  
*that’s how she is seeing even more drawings of Matteo*  
*hears her taking in a deep breath while she leans against his desk with her bottom to watch him*  
*knows that she is currently looking for the right words and will probably find them eventually but he is not sure if he really wants to hear them*  
*closes his eyes shortly when she starts talking: “Just tell him, David!”*  
*shrugs and needs to clear his throat so his voice wouldn’t sound too hoarse, it still sounds pathetic and thin*  
I will loose him…  
*hears his sister now being more certain: “But this way you will lose him too!”*  
*knows that she is right but still adds: “But this way he won’t think pejoratively about me”*  
*hears his sister making a frustrated noise and feels her hands on his cheeks which forces him to look at her: “Now listen to me, David Schreibner! Nobody thinks pejoratively about you! And if someone does then only because his mental horizon is too limited to understand that there is more than what you get to see every day. And I don’t think that you would fall in love with a boy, who lacks the sensibility to understand what is going on inside of you! It is possible that he can’t or doesn’t want to be with you under these circumstances. But I don’t think that he will think pejoratively of you. If you lose him then because he has a problem. But that’s not you, you know! You are not a problem!”*  
*has heard that frequently from his sister but unfortunately he also made the experience that sometimes it is just like that and regarding Matteo he couldn’t bear to go through that again*  
*knows that it won’t make sense to disagree with her and therefore is quiet what doesn’t stop her to continue: “Basically you have two possibilities: Either you continue to hide in here, staring at these drawings and missing him - then you will lose him either way sooner or later because he will forget about you and continue his life. And to be honest I couldn’t blame him if he would think pejoratively that way because he never got a real explanation why you backed off…”*  
*presses his lips together and feels a lump forming in the back of his throat*  
*never really thought about the fact that stopping communicating could lead to Matteo thinking worse about him than he feared*  
*is tempted to lose himself in his thoughts but forces himself to continue to listen to Laura: ...or you finally resolve things! Then you either will be at the same point at which you are now but with clarity. Or you have a chance to be happy with him. Did you ever think about that?”*  
*sees her smile slightly and shaking her head probably because she knows him so well and continues to listen to her: “How I know you, you play out all possible horror scenarios in your head… But did you ever think about how it would be if he understands you? How it would be if he says he doesn’t care? How it would be if you really had a relationship? Maybe he needs his time to understand. Maybe he never heard anything about transgender in his life before and first needs to read about it or has a million questions. But there is a chance that you mean so much to him that he won’t care. There is a chance that you could be happy.”*  
*he actually hadn’t given it much thought into the possibility that everything could be fine and is scared to get his hopes up just to be disappointed in the end*  
*but now Laura had voiced this thought and it got stuck in his head and he somehow has the feeling that he should let it sink in*  
*just shrugs and sighs quietly*  
*doesn’t know what to say*  
*Laura seems to notice that he doesn’t want to say something because he can again feel her hand squeezing his shoulders slightly*  
*knows that that a final sentence is likely to come before she will leave him alone and that’s exactly how it is: “Don’t deprive him of the opportunity to decide for himself whether he wants you or not. You wouldn’t like it either if someone else would decide for you! If he really is that great that you fall in love with him in such a short period of time then he deserves to know!”*  
*feels how she gives him a kiss on his forehead and then leaves his room*  
*feels the thoughts racing in his head and stares at the drawings of Matteo in the meantime*  
*at some point he has the feeling of being unable to grasp a clear thought, closes the sketchbook and lies down on his bed*  
*is slightly annoyed by the fact that there are these pictures in his head now that pretend he could be happy with Matteo at some point*  
*has the feeling that these pictures plant a completely unrealistic hope in his head which is fighting the fear that was so omnipresent so far*  
  



	8. April 27, 2019 - This little spark of hope

**Saturday, 11:05 am:**

David:  
“Call me… if you want... “  
*stops at the door for a moment and everything in him begs for Matteo to stop him, to ask him to stay, but he just sees Matteo nodding slightly and feels how the lump in his throat gets bigger and bigger so that he finally leaves with a heavy heart*  
*is glad that he doesn’t encounter anyone in the flatshare, that Hans and his date apparently found the right room and nobody is staying in the living room or the kitchen*  
*has the impression that the way through the living room and the hallway seems longer than usual - probably because he is walking slower than usual, hoping that Matteo changes his mind*  
*reaches the apartment door and it sounds a bit final when it closes*

*makes it to the first stair landing downwards but notices that the lump in his throat got so thick that tears are now running down his cheek, suddenly his legs shake, his heart hurts and his head rushes*  
*holds on to the railing slightly staggering and finally slides on the steps*  
*tries at first to hold back his tears, to swallow them down, but gives in eventually, thinks that they maybe just have to get out - just a bit, only a small break because he knows he can’t stay here*  
‘I lost him!’ - this single thought circles through his head non-stop and it’s difficult for him to not sob loudly and thus to draw the attention of some house occupant to him*  
*just wishes to make it home, to face no one and to hide there in his bed, but the way back home seems to be light-years long and the thought that Matteo is just some meters away but still unreachable doesn’t make things easier*

*after a while he hears a door and some voices upstairs, he jumps up in panic - nobody should see him like that*  
*wipes away the tears in a hustle and desperately swallows down the ones which still want to follow*  
*stumbles down the last steps until the front door and leaves the house*  
*unlocks his bike outside and pushes it to the curb*  
*suppresses the urge to look once again up to Matteo’s window because he doesn’t want to feel the disappointment that, for better or worse, is brought by the hope that Matteo could be up there and stopping him*  
*gets on his bike and drives off*  
*notices after a few meters that tears come back into his eyes and tries to somehow organize his thoughts but can’t do it because he has to concentrate on the traffic and tries to avoid eye contact with by passers so that nobody sees how bad he’s doing*  
*is glad when he finally arrives at home and locks his bike at the hoarding*  
*runs his hands one last time through his face and takes a deep breath in case Laura is at home and sees him*  
*doesn’t want any questions or a conversation right now, he just wants to pass her and have his peace*  
*unlocks the door upstairs and immediately hears Laura sing in the kitchen*  
*quickly closes his eyes when he realizes that Laura already noticed him and comes to the hallway, soon hears her cheerful voice: “I assume you have been at Matteo’s? Like always when my brother disappears overnight without a trace… Next time you could let me know…”*  
*hears her stumble and opens his eyes only to see that she takes a step closer to him and asks: “What happened?”*  
*automatically takes one step back towards his room door and shakes his head*  
*feels the lump in his throat again*  
Not now, okay?  
*pushes his door open and disappears into his room, closes the door and leans against it from the inside*  
*feels again tears in his eyes and how his sister knocks lightly against the door: “David?!”*  
*shakes his head vehemently and says as strongly as he can and slightly angry*  
Not now!!!  
*then turns the key in his door lock and tumbles to his bed*  
*buries his face in the pillow and at that very moment has the feeling of being able to relax and to finally cry freely*  
*is almost scared of himself when he once sobs loudly and then cries bitterly into his pillow*  
*somehow only has a few thoughts in his head that keep repeating themselves, that he has lost Matteo, that he should have told him earlier, that he should never have fallen in love with him, that it was predictable that Matteo wouldn't understand, that it was stupid of him to get his hopes up, that he shouldn't have gone to him last night and over and over again that he lost him*  
*feels that at some point the big sobbing subsides and there are no more tears, but remains lying on the bed in the same position for a moment, reviewing the last 14 hours*

*when Matteo’s text came, he hadn't really thought it through - of course he wanted to be together with Matteo - how could Matteo think that he wouldn't want to*  
*just the thought that Matteo could still feel the same way, that Matteo also still wanted to be with him, had made him get on his bike without thinking and ride over the short way to Matteo in record time*  
*the doubt and fear had only come when he had already pressed the bell button and so he was quite happy that Matteo had asked him to wait downstairs for a moment*  
*only at that moment he realized that he _had_ to tell Matteo, that now was the moment, right or wrong, but that Matteo deserved to finally know the truth, that he owed it to him, and that Matteo deserved to finally know the truth and an apology for breaking off contact so suddenly, because only if Matteo knew what it was all about they did have a minimal chance of actually being together*  
*hadn’t the slightest idea how to explain it all to Matteo and would have loved to turn around and go back home when he heard the door handle*  
*had nevertheless pushed the door open and heard a soft murmur at the top of the staircase, which briefly reinforced his flight instinct*  
*just the thought of being able to see Matteo again had made him climb the stairs*  
*and when he finally faced him, all the words had been gone, there was only the longing for Matteo and that big lump in his throat*  
*had tried a few times to start, to give him at least an apology, but the sudden closeness to Matteo and the look in Matteo's eyes, which had radiated so much pain and confusion but at the same time also trust, longing and love, had made him forget all the words, so that he finally gave in to the ever increasing urge and simply hugged Matteo*  
*had the feeling of finally being back where he belonged when after minimal hesitation Matteo had returned the hug and after a short time his racing heart calmed down a bit and his body relaxed*  
*could not tell how long they had been standing in the hallway and just hugging each other, but at some point his thoughts and his bad conscience had become louder so that after a while he had slightly separated from Matteo and put his forehead against his*  
*the words in his head still weren't in a logical order and besides there was a longing in him to live at least a little bit in the illusion that everything was good because they were together again, to live a little bit in the illusion that they were just two boys who liked each other and between whom there wasn’t this huge secret that could ruin everything*  
*had at some point pulled himself together and started in a low, fragile voice, he got out: "Matteo, I'm so sorry that I..."*  
*had not gotten any further, had stuttered another "I..." twice, hoping that some logical sentences might follow, but didn’t known how to begin*  
*closed his eyes shortly for a moment when Matteo had at some point detached himself from him, but opened them again when he gently and carefully felt Matteo's finger on his hand and Matteo said in a low voice: "If you don't want to now, we can talk later... "*  
*at that moment the lump in his throat was swollen again, because Matteo was just so good - good and understanding and patient and considerate - and he really deserved to know the truth and not be hurt again*  
*but still he only nodded and followed Matteo to his room as if in a trance*

*there they laid on his bed - for what felt like hours - facing each other, Matteo had run his hand through his hair several times, stroked his cheek, held his hand and was silent, not pushing him*  
*didn't dare to touch Matteo because he didn't want to give him any more false hopes, because the pressure to finally tell him the truth was so heavy and powerful that he didn't want to give in to the longing for more closeness to Matteo*  
*can't really remember that he fell asleep at some point, only knows that he woke up once in the middle of the night and Matteo had his arms wrapped tightly around him from behind, as if he didn't want to let go of him - as if he was afraid he might have disappeared the next morning*  
*hadn't dared to move and for a short time just enjoyed this feeling of security until the thoughts of his outing came back in the foreground*  
*had nevertheless fallen asleep again at some point and woke up the next morning without a hug, since Matteo had probably turned away in the night after all*  
*got up quietly and stepped to the window to sort his thoughts*  
*had made up his mind to really get it over with, to face his fear, and suddenly had Laura's words in his head that it wasn't fair to deprive Matteo of the opportunity to decide for himself*  
*was suddenly so sure that he wanted all of this, that he wants Matteo, that he wants to fall asleep in his embrace every night, that he wants to be close to him, the conversations with him, the security, the feeling that he was important to Matteo and knew that he only had the chance to get all this if he finally tells Matteo the truth*  
*but when Matteo all of the sudden stood behind him, hugged him and tenderly kissed his neck, all of the fear and the thought of escape were there again, he had used Neuhaus as a reason and was ready to postpone his outing*  
*the fact that Matteo had gotten angry, that he had gotten loud and accused him of wanting to fuck off again had been the deciding factor in the end - then he knew that he would lose Matteo if he put it off any longer and suddenly the words he had prepared had come back and he had told him so*

*is interrupted in his thoughts when he hears a soft knock on the door and shortly afterwards hears Laura's voice: "David?"*  
*doesn't react and feels bad about it because he knows that Laura is worried, but he just can't talk yet, has to sort things out himself*  
*hears Laura sigh and saying through the door: "I have to leave soon, I am meeting someone... but I can cancel if you want to talk..."*  
*turns on his side, stares out the window and has to remember that he was in Matteo's arms when he looked out the window tonight*  
*feels the tears come back to his eyes*  
*longs back for that feeling and forgets for a moment that Laura is still at the door*  
*hears her soon: "There's cocoa in the kitchen. It's still warm. If you want to talk, text me and I'll come right back, okay? - See you later!"  
*hears the front door of the apartment shortly after and notices how he relaxes a little at the thought of not having to talk right now*  
*would like to pick up on the thought he just had, but can't really concentrate or remember*  
*attempts instead to exactly remember Matteo's reaction during the outing and can only now realize in retrospect that it was not as bad as he had imagined - Matteo seemed confused, overwhelmed, disappointed that he hadn't told him earlier, but he hadn't reacted pejoratively, hadn't judged him, hadn't insulted him, hadn't looked at him full of disgust or anger*  
*only now realizes that Matteo didn't throw him out, that it wasn't Matteo who had ended the "conversation" - he hadn't stopped him, but he hadn't told him to leave either*  
*realizes that maybe Matteo was just completely overwhelmed and wonders for a moment what would have happened if he hadn't left - would they have talked more? Would Matteo have had more questions? Would he perhaps have thrown him out at some point or would he perhaps have understood everything eventually?*  
*feels a tiny little spark of hope building up inside him when he thinks that maybe Matteo just needs time to understand it all*  
*is pretty sure that he means something to Matteo - why else did Matteo always sought his closeness, why else would he have broken up with Sara and stood outside his house after his text message, why else would he have been so miserable in the last few days and why else would he have challenged him with his message last night and implied that he wants to be with him - but can't really judge whether the fact that he is transgender changes Matteo's feelings for him or not*  
*thinks that this is probably not only about feelings, but probably also about sexual attraction, logical thinking, the reputation among his friends, and much more - and that Matteo will probably not only think about this, but also about the fact that he didn't come out to him earlier, hurt him, and pulled away*  
*hasn't the slightest idea if feelings alone can be enough to mask all the other stuff*

*closes his eyes at some point, because the view out of the window reminds him of Matteo's closeness again and he can hardly bear the thought that he might have lost him*  
*clings to the tiny spark of hope that Matteo just needs time and maybe everything will be okay in the end*


End file.
